24 Nails for 24 Lovers
Catherine Lavery
December 1st – THE BOSS
I was 20 when I moved to Montreal in a half-basement apartment on St-Urbain. 20, with a light spirit, but a heavy heart.
She was the first real friend I made at University. From Day 1, like we were meant to be. I was sitting next to her, that may have influenced things.
We worked on every school project together - we debated, I argued, she argued, I danced, she laughed & we got some crazy grades. Well, with the brain she had.
At that time, I always felt she thought I was the weirdest thing on earth. Anyhow, she stuck around, so I guess she was in for the ride. And she still is. We now occasionally have dinner together & we share a few laughs. Those are part of the precious moments I will never let go of.
Oh, and she, not surprisingly, has become a total boss in life. A TOTAL BOSS.
December 2nd – THE HURRICANE
Her & me, we go way back.
When we got to know each other, we were surrounded by books, overwhelmed by the beauty of night skies and bonded over our crazy adventures with detuned projects. Whatever that meant for us at the time.
She was so perfect - it was almost annoying for the rest of us. Smart like nobody. Strong & ambitious. While being a total babe on top.
The kind of kid who would never color outside the lines. The real dream child, you know.
We were friends at an age where everything feels possible, where any path can be taken - whatever road we would choose, we were there, standing right at the beginning.
It was the age of first loves, of reckless nights and midnight skinny-dipping. La jouissance des feux de l’été et la certitude que ça ne durera pas.
As it was also the age when you realize that life is not perfect, that in fact nobody’s perfect & that you’re not perfect.
Yes, her & me, we go way way back.
I saw her recently. She showed up at the official launch of my S.O.'s documentary film. It was a total surprise. But she’s just like that. I don’t think she knows how much that meant to me.
If you ever meet her, she will make you understand why hurricanes are named after women.
December 3rd - THE LOVER
We were sitting in my living room, talking about her.
“- I wish I could doubt myself less. I wish I could just go for it like she does.
- She’s definitely something; cocky as fuck, but loving as hell.”
And then we sat in silence, for a while. Probably both thinking about how endearing she was, about how much we had learned from her.
“- Ever tried it with a girl?”
December 4 – THE QUEEN
I was sitting in the waiting room, suffering excruciating pain, imagining what my life would be like when I would lose my eyesight.
“- Coco, tu vas pas perdre la vue! Quelqu’un va venir bientôt pour toi, je les ai entendu parler. Chaque personne que tu vois te rapproche de l’ophtalmologiste qui va pouvoir t’aider. Ils vont s’occuper de toi.”
Papa had said it once I remember. He was in a “John Lavery kinda mood” and had just taken a long car ride with her. “God, she always has the perfect words!"
“- J’ai tellement mal." A man in the waiting room gave me his sunglasses (the big ones they use in the construction industry) as he clearly saw that I was in total pain, and obviously being a bit dramatic about it. But guys, eyes you know, they're my thing. Take my hearing or my sense of smell but fuck, don’t mess with my eyesight.
We still made a few jokes about the chocolate leftovers on my shirt and I finally got to see the doctor.
When I was recovering at home, she came to see me. Not in a “I'm bringing you flowers" kind of way. But more the “I’m bringing you cheese because that’s what will make you happy” type. Le Rustique. Mmmmm. Ate the whole thing in a day. Elle me connait par coeur.
From now on, I know she will continue to make fun of me forever about that night we spent at the hospital. And I also know, without any doubt, that she would and will do it again if need be.
And yes - God, she always has the perfect words!
She’s been my partner in crime & ultimate Queen, since day 1.
December 5 - THE FRENCHIE
“- Who’s the new girl?
- I don’t know, I haven’t spoken to her yet.
- She’s from Paris.
- Yes, I figured."
She had travelled the world and had landed here, in Montreal.
It took some time before she could understand my Quebecois urban lingo. While I, of course, understood everything she said. I had been living in Montreal for 5 years, which had made me officially full-proof Frenchie. Thanks to Jean-Thomas, Elsa, Adrien, and all the others.
We saw each other all week, every week, so I guess she became like family.
She had travelled the world and landed here, in Montreal, just a few days before the shooting in Paris that took place on November 13. This is the kind of thought you can turn over and over in your mind.
Even today, I’m sometimes unsure if she really understands me but she still gets it when I make fun of her & her 99 problems and that’s what really matters in the end, right?
I’m happy she landed here because she made me realize that women who wear black lead colorful lives.
December 6 – THE ADVENTURER
This one, I used to dislike her. Today, I find it hard to believe but it’s true, I did. In my defense, when I was on the field during our soccer games, she was the enemy.
Well, dislike might be a little strong, but I remember thinking “what’s up with that attitude?” Again, she was the enemy.
Then we had college classes together, and then I spent eighteen days in the woods with her. Everything changed.
When I really got to know her, we were both dirty and tired, sitting on the edge of a mountain, watching lightning strike on top of clouds. It couldn’t have gotten more magical.
That’s when I realized how sensitive she was. I got to know her smart-ass comebacks. Her quick wit. Her taste for adventures.
I suddenly understood why when she walked into a room, every women knew she was dangerous, and every men did too.
December 7 – THE SUNFLOWER
The circumstances in which I met her makes me remember it very clearly. She was a good friend of a guy I was…having fun with.
I don’t remember why we ended up going to her place, but I can still picture myself in the car to get there.
“- Tu les aimes? He asked.
He had put some Dubmatique on and I was singing my heart out like there was no tomorrow.
- Les aimes? I replied, making him realize how stupid of a question that was. “Je suis probablement la personne sur terre qui a le plus écouté le côté A ET le côté B de leur cassette.” There was a time when the most precious thing I owned was my walkman.
- Ah ouais? He answered, surprised. Clearly, I was gaining some brownie points.
I don’t know what we were at the time. I didn’t even know what I wanted us to be. The only thing I do remember is that I was the happiest I had been in a while.
But let’s not make this story about the guy.
The girl?
The girl was chaos & beauty intertwined. She was a lot like the ocean & a lot like the wind; she belonged to no city.
She was wild & free. Open. Confident. Humble. So full of life.
I loved how she kept putting her glasses back up on her nose. Over and Over.
I brought her flowers afterwards for her birthday & she brought me flowers for mine - it’s our thing now.
December 8 - THE HEARTBREAKER
I remember her standing under the doorframe, and us, talking for ages.
Talking about how we fear the uncertainty, the abyss, the unknown, the threat of dissolution that not having a fixed identity entails. How vulnerable we are in our 20s, and how quickly we can feel like we will fall into the outside. How friendship dissolves, until your strangers, friends in name only.
Asking ourselves if religion is a weakness, if we could do better with our educational system, and if technology will lead us to an attention-deficit recession.
We said so much, yet I’ve told her so little.
I’ve never told her how much light she brought to my world during those hard years, how much I admire her, for everything she is, for the good & for the bad. How much I love her deeply. Because what goes without saying, rarely get said.
She is so extraordinary that I know she will live an extraordinary life.
Breaking of course a lot of hearts along the way.
December 9 - THE KILLER
Just like the way many stories begin, she was a friend of a friend. At first.
It was a long time ago. When we met, we both realized that running around the streets in pjs at 1 AM was not the smartest idea. Although, I admit, today that still sounds pretty tempting…After that first night, I knew that whenever we would meet, shenanigans would occur.
And shenanigans did occur.
Through the crazy nights & the unforgettable laughter, she quickly became no longer a friend of a friend. She became a friend.
She reminded me of an end-of-day landscape. When trees look like black stencils contrasting with a sky painted by a child picking up the wrong colors.
She was the kind of friend who would love the imperfect-you, the not-so-sure-of-yourself you & the I-was-wrong you. She knew and understood what life can throw at you.
And that friggin sizzling sense of humour of hers.
There is a song in my go-to playlist that makes me think of her each time it plays. “She’s a gun, 9 mm, she shot me down and I fell in love.”
December 10 – THE DANCER
- “She’s a dancer.”
That’s the first thing I was told about her. And me, being so ridiculously predictable, that’s the first thing that came out when we met.
- “On m’a dit que tu dansais !” I said.
- “Oui !” She replied, with an enthusiasm that - I learned it afterwards - was real, believe it or not. I didn’t know at the time that she was the always-happy type.
And then, things got worse for me.
- “Show me your moves?!” I asked, like if I was part of the exclusive cool club of dancers. Was I fucking serious? She must have gotten that question all the time, and I would have been largely annoyed by it.
- “Ben là, je sais pas…” She answered, giggling nervously.
This was not a surprise - those who have a tendency to blush when they talked about themselves have, generally speaking, little reason to do so.
And I did discover just that when later, under different circumstances, I saw how magical it was when she danced. I also discovered how much more there was to her.
She was one of the rare ones, so effortlessly herself. Never trying to be something she wasn’t and never asking for anyone to be something they weren’t.
From drunk dancing on walls to flashing sport bras, I discovered how out of this world funny she was and how there was never a boring night with her.
Just one of the coolest & badass chicks out there.
December 11 – THE JOKER
There’s this perfect picture of her & me I can clearly see in my head, taken during a concert a few years ago. I’ve often told myself that I should print it and put it on my wall, but I never did.
It only exists on Facebook right now, and it will probably disappear eventually, like a lot of other perfect pictures.
One day, I will miss her and think “What was that picture that was taken of the two of us?”. But when searching on my profile, I won't be able to find it.
Growing up, we build this idea that we will remember everything; that all the books we’ve read, all the relationships we’ve developed, all the beautiful things we’ve seen, will create some sort of identity. But in fact, we will forget things. We won’t remember everything. “What was that dress I used to wear? What was that book I read? Who was that guy I used to work with?
We can get depressed by that.
But the night we went out together and took that perfect picture, it still existed. That can never be taken away. Just like all the other insane nights I had with her.
She had a laugh that made you feel like the funniest person alive. Always smiling & cracking jokes. She was intense, in everything she did. I remember the way she typed on her cell phone, so crisply and vigorously.
It’s been a while since I've seen her, but I miss it.
Never knew a girl so happy to be alive.
December 12 - THE SUNSHINE
I knew she would be a big part of my life from the moment we met.
I remember arriving at the hospital - it was such a lovely day, du soleil plein la journée.
Since then, she changed the way that I look at the world. She’s our sunshine.
I love her so much. Always will.
December 13 – THE CLOWN
I’m not even sure how our friendship began. Was it during classes? I think so. But I have this feeling I had known her even before that. Maybe because when she made a joke, I felt like I had laughed my whole life. That girl was so damn hilarious.
She was like a glass of whisky. Strong, powerful & full of magic.
She never took herself seriously, but I always felt there was a charming sensitivity about her. She was constantly searching for those moments that will take your breath away. Nostalgic over places she had never seen before.
That may be why she studied art history, so she could build a life where she would never cease to be seduced by the beauty of the world. She loved, encouraged & supported art.
She was one of those friends that even if you do not see them often, when you do, it feels like nothing has changed. Like you’re picking up exactly where you left things.
I wish I could see her more often. We plan to, we mean to, and we say we’ll have breakfast together but life flies... You go to bed one day and the next morning you wake up and months have passed by.
I would like to be reminded of her wit and intelligent humour.
Like I said, she was like a glass of whisky. Never underestimate her punch.
December 14 - THE PRINCESS
It was my first day at a new job I had landed to pay my student exchange costs and other unnecessary new pairs of shoes. We were four new employees, waiting all together in a small room, surrounded by the most delightful and awkward silence. She had long blond hair, and was wearing a black pair of heels. Shit, was I supposed to wear heels?
That first Sunday when we both arrived hangover at work, I knew we would become good friends.
I quit two months later - couldn’t get used to spend the whole day on the phone.
What about her? In another life, she was probably the princess who killed the dragon and saved the prince.
She made me feel like I could do anything. She also made me feel like if ever I should fail, she would be right there for me. And that’s precious.
I couldn’t image my life without her now.
December 15 - THE GODDESS
The first time I met her, I remember thinking: half goddess, half hell, that’s what that girl is. With those long legs and that mischievous smile.
We both attended the same university. These were strange years – everyone trying to figure themselves out, deciding what we wanted to be, who to love, where to live. They made us critical readers but never told us how to build and maintain relationships. We had to figure that on our own.
We partied hard, maybe too much. We studied intensely, had dreams, travelled the world. Even at that time, it was easy to see that she was going to make some big waves in life.
She was the kind of girl who searched for the things that can’t be found, but found them. I’ve always found her so fascinating. There’s never a time where I met her that I didn’t feel like she knew exactly where she was going in life.
Saw her a few months ago for her birthday – she’s more of a full goddess now. She still has that mischievous smile though.
December 16 - THE COACH
It’s crazy how our lives intertwined with others, yet we never really get to know everyone that crosses our path. It’s the premise of a lot of great books & movies, because there is something immensely mysterious about it. The cashier at the grocery store, the man who’s taking the bus at the same stop, or those who have lived and built memories in the house we now own. We will never really know them, their truths, their fears, but they play a crucial role in our story.
She could have been only "the girl who attended the same high school". We never really talked during those years. A few “how are you?” here and there. But that’s it.
It’s only a few years after we graduated that we became friends. Maybe we had changed or maybe fate had decided not to mix our lives before that.
Years after high school, we ended up being in Montreal at the same time. Through our endless dinners & workout sessions, she showed me her depth, her inner strength.
She had to fight and work for all the great things she had accomplished. I admire her for that.
When we both spent a summer back home, she had me participate in this intense workout class where I got my ass kicked.
Lately, I have been impressed by her. That entrepreneurial spirit makes her sexier than ever.
December 17 - THE COWORKER
There’s something about her that has always made me feel warm and at home. Her soulfulness, maybe. Her all-year-long sun-kissed tan.
We worked together at a local Italian restaurant. We listened to Adele and ate gelato for every meal - those were the good days.
She was funny, curious, humble & never afraid to put into words the beauty of other women. I’ve always respected that about her.
I love to surround myself with people who possess a high level of street smartness. Which is why I stayed close to her. It kept me in line.
She was the one working when my family and I went to get some gelato. It was at the beginning of May. I remember, because Papa had passed away the day before. My brother was acting crazy, as usual. He was fooling around, she was making jokes, & we were all laughing.
I guess it must have seemed strange. We were all intoxicated by a weird and deeply moving rush of adrenaline. Engorged with emotions. Experiencing death is also experiencing the greatness of life, the transcendence of love. That has a way of buzzing you real good.
She was the one working that day and even though I don’t believe in much, I do believe those details must mean something.
December 18 - THE SOMMELIER
What I love about her is that she hasn’t your ordinary women.
We were never in the same city for too long, but there is something about her that has always felt familiar. We must have known each other in past lives, when she was probably a soldier who went to war or the muse of a famous artist. She had the soul of someone who had seen more than what you can in only one lifetime.
We met a long time ago. There was a timeless beauty about her, an elegance that is rare to find. She had such a unique & intriguing background. She was also the type of woman who could make flowers grow where we were all told they wouldn't. At the time, this had struck me & somehow inspired to grow flowers as well, whenever and wherever I wanted.
She was radiant, clever, driven. So damn passionate.
The last time I saw her, it was pouring rain outside and I completely destroyed my nude pair of high heels. And of course, as usual, there was a Bon Appétit! involved.
I’m sure she’s somewhere in Europe right now, drinking wine or something. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again but I will always support every project she comes up with.
December 19 - THE ACTRESS
As a child, I was hypnotized by her incredible collection of porcelain figurines. They were all perfectly laid out in the glass window cupboard and I could spend hours staring at them. I thought it was the most beautiful thing on earth.
I painted this picture of who she was in my head. Soft but strong, fierce yet compassionate. I imagined her being a severe mother, demanding but incredibly loving. A woman who would never go out looking less than the amazingly well-put-together actress that had once been. Who walked, always, with such dignity.
I also like to think that she was the type of woman who could dance in high heels all night long. I like to think that I got that from her.
Even if I painted this picture of her, she was, and will always remain a mystery, to me.
December 20 - THE INSEPERABLE
I wanted to be her friend since the first day at school; just like every other girl I’m sure. She had an aura about her, a contagious energy that drew you in.
I never would have thought we would become such good friends. Just something that clicked. She got me, and I got her. You jump, I jump, type thing.
During our lunch breaks at school, we used to go to the shopping mall across the road and take pictures in one of those $4 cabin photobooths. That’s when we became Les Inséparables. Every occasion was worthy of a booth visit. This was before Facebook and Instagram - the urge of collecting memories and framing them in time existed long before social media platforms.
For years, we did everything together.
She was incredible. I really never knew someone like her. We were fooling around all the time, painting on walls, laughing like maniacs, dancing like crazy.
Those were very special years. We had a secret wardrobe where we used to write down all our secrets. Just like Alain de Botton said: we wanted to carve our names, we wanted to say I was here, I exist, I felt something, and I matter, and we matter.
We lost contact when I moved to Montreal but I really wish she could still be in my life. Christ, even my significant other is not making me laugh as much as she did.
December 21 - THE TRAVELER
I arrived a day early in Porto where we had planned to meet. I spent the morning walking around the city, with this childish excitement of experiencing & seeing things for the first time. She finally arrived during the afternoon with a bunch of exchange student friends. I was so happy to see her; she was home away from home.
We hung out on the other side of the ocean, lost in this place where colours looked brighter, food tasted differently, and where the sea felt even more infinite. We were redesigning our world, and redesigning ourselves without realizing.
We were like waves in the ocean, going where we felt like it, where the wind was taking us. We could have walked forever, talking about love, life & all those things that make us feel alive. I would have liked to bottle all the joy I felt during that trip.
Being with her, I was discovering what I already knew - how incredibly curious of others she was.
Rare are those who are able to delve like her into the complexities of the human soul with such openness & empathy.
She helped everyone see everything beautiful in this world. I think this is why we all wanted to stay in her presence - she really knew how to make all of us feel special. I kept telling her all the time: “you are way too nice.”
I can’t wait to see all the amazing things she will do with her life.
She’s truly something else.
December 22 – THE FIGHTER
The first time we met, I knew she was going to be part of the family from now on. Looking at her looking at him, and him, looking at her; things just felt right.
It was easy to see that she had a golden heart, just like him. A selfless generosity.
She was a romantic with such empathy & compassion.
A few months ago, I was told that she was told that her life would be between parentheses for the next year. I was on the metro, getting to work. I remember looking around and being puzzled by the fact that everyone was acting normal, like nothing had happened. Jeez, don’t you all get it? Don’t you all realize she has cancer?
We had a family dinner at my place a few days after and she was glowing. I thought of the quote from Wendy Mass: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”
Not to my surprise, she went through this year with such grace. A real badass.
I went to see her a couple of days ago. I absolutely wanted her to be the model for the picture.
She looks stronger than ever.
December 23 - THE TEACHER
- “Do whatever makes you happy.”
That’s the one thing I remember her telling us all the time. I never saw her very often but it was always very special when we visited; the only time during the year I could get away with having vanilla ice cream with Coke four times a day.
She had such a loving soul. Always there for everyone, listening, with unconditional support.
She was an intriguingly smart woman, that I could tell, but I‘ve always wondered what she was really thinking. She was from another generation, a time when women had been conditioned to have very little opinions. I wondered what she thought of our political system, what book she would have written & who she would have become. Only if.
- “Life is too short, do whatever makes you happy.”
It was her philosophy of life, her teachings to us. Maybe it was because her 21 year-old daughter died in a car accident. And all the other things. That I only discovered later in my life.
I also discovered that choosing happiness in life is not always easy. To get the reward, you need to go through the struggle. You can’t get the results, without the process as much as you can’t get the victory without the fight.
Happiness requires struggle, but the struggle would be unbearable without the happiness. That’s life - you can’t win if you don’t play.
Nevertheless, I hope she knows I’ve listened to her. Because Happy are the Happy, and that’s the path I’ve chosen in life.
December 24 - THE READER
Ce texte, je me dois de l’écrire en français parce que ma langue maternelle, c’est l’un des premiers cadeaux qu’elle m’a offert. Et tous les autres, qui ont suivi.
Je me souviens des nuits passées à lire sous les couvertes, à fermer la lumière à chaque petit craquement de plancher, au cas où. Je me souviens de la ferveur à la toute dernière page du livre.
Lui m’a montré la poésie de Bob Dylan, les vers de Verlaine et elle m’a appris la beauté d’Émile Ajar, d’Alessandro Baricco, de Phillipe Claudel, de Nancy Huston. Et le chagrin de Nelligan.
Ils m’ont tous les eux appris la force des mots, le génie d’une langue, tout en me montrant aussi comment taire, pour dire.
Je crois qu’écrire n’est pas toujours un processus intellectuel. C’est parfois aussi mystérieux que peindre, que frôler une toile avec nos pinceaux. L’art a été conçu afin de détruire le monde et le reconstruire, en l’espace d’une œuvre.
But why Mommy? Why do we do that? Why do people write and paint? Why is life not enough? It’s a true mystery. We don’t know.
Oui, ils m’ont tous les deux donné énormément mais ma curiosité, ma force de caractère, je crois qu’elle y est pour beaucoup.